No one really talks about what Fat feels like. It's insecure. It's self doubt. It's lacking confidence. It's feeling like a baby beluga whale. Feeling like you are out of control. Feeling like no one can see the real you. Because all you can see is the Fat. Feeling like people can only see everything you hate about yourself. You know what it hurts, deep.
I think it hurts me most because I know what I gave up. I busted my ass to lose 50 lbs and over the past few years I've let it all come back. I failed. I'm drowning again. Drowning in my fat. It's pulling me down.
This is not the end; this is the semi colon. The option to stop but the decision to keep on going.
I need to resurface, I need to see what others see in me. I need to find my determination. It will get me far. It has in the past. Where did it go!? I need a goal. But my real goal is to just be healthy. I'm caught in between. Wanting to lose weight and wanting to just focus on being healthy and loving myself no matter my size. I need to treat my body better no doubt. I need to eat good food and start exercising. I've been indulging ALOT. Chips and wine are my safe place after a bad day but I feel like almost every day seems bad. And I can't indulge every day. I need focus. This is real, these are my thoughts. Do you think like this?
I know I'm not alone. I hope by opening up and sharing my inner thoughts with you that you realize you aren't alone either. That's all I've ever wanted on this journey of Living Lighter to let you know your not alone. To share my story and to inspire others. I need to be my own inspiration now. Because I'm fucking awesome.
