Fat Feelings

No one really talks about what Fat feels like.  It's insecure. It's self doubt. It's lacking confidence. It's feeling like a baby beluga whale. Feeling like you are out of control. Feeling like no one can see the real you. Because all you can see is the Fat. Feeling like people can only see everything you hate about yourself.  You know what it hurts, deep.

I think it hurts me most because I know what I gave up. I busted my ass to lose 50 lbs and over the past few years I've let it all come back. I failed.  I'm drowning again.  Drowning in my fat. It's pulling me down.

This is not the end; this is the semi colon. The option to stop but the decision to keep on going.

I need to resurface, I need to see what others see in me.  I need to find my determination.  It will get me far. It has in the past. Where did it go!? I need a goal. But my real goal is to just be healthy. I'm caught in between. Wanting to lose weight and wanting to just focus on being healthy and loving myself no matter my size.  I need to treat my body better no doubt. I need to eat good food and start exercising. I've been indulging ALOT. Chips and wine are my safe place after a bad day but I feel like almost every day seems bad. And I can't indulge every day. I need focus.  This is real, these are my thoughts. Do you think like this?

 

I know I'm not alone. I hope by opening up and sharing my inner thoughts with you that you realize you aren't alone either. That's all I've ever wanted on this journey of Living Lighter to let you know your not alone. To share my story and to inspire others. I need to be my own inspiration now. Because I'm fucking awesome.

Diet Culture Dropout

A person says "I'm going on a diet" about a thousand times and there's about a thousand different diets to go on. Ok that might be exaggerating but you get the point. Also all these diets seems to have the same things in common, restrict what you eat for a certain amount of time, then you crave that food you can't eat, ultimately you end up failing the diet because you "cheated" and ate something you shouldn't or you binge eat because you were so darn hungry! Frustrating right!? 

This past year I've been trying to take my weight loss journey on a different path.  I've decided to Love Myself and my body first.  I've been learning all about different ways of thinking and how important my own mindset is.  Have I lost any weight nope and to be honest I've probably gained weight and you know what thats OK. I'm learning. I'm growing.  To me that's more important right now.  So one of the things I've been learning about is being anti-diet.  Yep that's right I'm against diets.  That doesn't mean that I'm eating whatever I want but I have the freedom too and not feel bad about it.  Because food is just food, it isn't good or bad. You use it to fuel your body. Obviously you want to fuel it with nutritious food.  Once you take all restrictions off and breakup with them you have food freedom.  So yeah I can eat whatever I want but I usually choose to eat the nutritious stuff but when I want ice cream, chips or wine I'm going to have it and really enjoy it. Pretty mind blowing right?

I am still learning about this whole anti-diet life but it's made me see just how big Diet Culture really is.  I was part of it for a long long time. It's hard to break those old thinking patterns but there are better ways to think.  A few of the things I'm learning about is Intuitive Eating and being Healthy at Any Size.  Loving my body and accepting it as I am is probably the hardest part of this new journey.  The Diet Culture has drilled in my head that I should look a certain way and be a certain size.  It's EVERYWHERE!  Magazine, TV commercials, social media ads.  One thing I'm trying to control is my social media, I follow so many more positive people who are showing me there is a better way. I've inserted a few pics into this blog post.

Did you know that the Diet Culture is a billion dollar industry?  It has no problems taking your money to keep you going on the same diet cycle over and over because they know the real truth, that diets don't work. I'd rather spend my money on Self Care, thanks.  Taking care of me and making myself a priority is just one of the things I'm learning.  I'm really actually excited to countine to evolve my journey.  I'm still learning to Live Lighter but Loving Myself at the same time. ❤️

It Hurts... and that's OK

Your just plugging away at life and you are trying to adult so hard to find a balance between life, work, friends.  But some days you just want to hide away from the world.  Some days you have to slap on a fake smile and go on with your day.  Some days everything is going along just great and wham you get hit with sadness and just want to cry.  It's something I've never really talked openly about but since it's Bell Let's Talk Day I feel a need to talk.  

I start to feel it in early January and it usually lasts till mid February. I have a suspicion that it is Seasonal Affective Disorder, which is a type of depression that's related to changes in seasons. SAD begins and ends at about the same times every year. If you're like most people with SAD, your symptoms start in the fall and continue into the winter months, sapping your energy and making you feel moody. Its still Depression which can strike at anytime, it happens to anyone for any number of reasons and is a serious illness.  Let's not be shy your Mental Health effects your entire life.  Emotionally you feel sad, hopeless, have little interest in things you used to and may feel overwhelmed.  Physically you could feel aches and pain, you might not be hungry, you might not be sleeping well and your energy is just gone.  Your behavior may change too, a person who is lively and cheerful may become slow and uninterested in what is going on around them also if the person has been suffering for awhile they become masters at hiding how they are feeling.  

I have found a few things that have helped, keep in mind I'm no expert and if you are really struggling and feel like giving up on life completely, seek help immediately.  There are so many people in your life who love and care for you and you are never alone.  One of the things that is probably one of the hardest is to open up and talk to someone. I'm not saying you need to seek a therapist, though there is absolutely nothing wrong with that but try a friend first. You might be surprised to find they have struggled too and are there to support you and will not judge you for how you are feeling.  Something I've discovered this past year has been essential oils.  I literally have a blend called Cheer and it was exactly what I needed to help me start feeling happy.  Another thing allow yourself to not be ok, cry if you need too, stay in bed all day if you need too, cancel plans if you need too but don't stop Living completely.  

Move you body, going for a walk to clear your head can do wonders.  Go out and have fun!  Seriously I know that seems like it should be easy but I know it's not.  Have a dance party, I find music can be very therapeutic.  Try starting your day by reading a motivational quote.  I've been reading the book Staying Strong by Demi Lovato and it made a big difference.  It's for every day of the year which gives you 365 days worth of reasons to stay strong.  So even on the darkest days there will come a light.