Shame on me

I've talked about body shaming before but it never goes away.  There is always this voice in my head telling me I'm Fat.  Telling me I'm not Pretty.  Telling me I'm not worth it.  And the truth is I let her in.  She lives inside me and I don't know how to make her stop.  She brings me to tears sometimes.  No one talks about this and I think everybody feels this way.  I know I am my own worst enemy but I don't know how to change that. I applaud the people that love themselves the way they are no matter the size or shape. I just can't do it.  Maybe it's because I know I can be better then I am right now or maybe it won't ever make a difference what size I am if I lose weight or don't... I think that maybe that voice inside me will still always be there telling me I'm not good enough.

I know I'm wrong.  I see the positive in almost every situation.  So today wasn't a great day and I let my emotions take over. So you want to know what started my shame game today? I have a wedding to go to in a couple weeks and I'm trying to find something to wear.  I tried on a couple things and I just wasn't feeling it.  I want to to feel pretty.  Today I just felt fat.  Today I'd rather just stay home and wear my jogging pants and drink some wine and watch Netflix.  Is that going to get me any closer to were I want to be.  Nope. But it's not going to get me any farther away either.  Giving into feelings and emotions isn't giving up.  I already know that everything will work itself out and that I will be pretty no matter what I wear.

Phase two of my shame game process is the Pep Talk.  I give into my feelings and if I have to cry, I cry.  Then I pull up my big girl pants and tell myself how much I am worth it, that I am pretty and that I am on my way to being a better me. Sometimes you just need to remind yourself of these things. Maybe I should start reminding myself of these things every day...

I am Pretty.

I am Confident.

I am Strong.

I am Healthy.

I am Happy.

I am Worth it.

I am ME!

And I am Enough.

My journal, my journey

As I read even the title of my blog Learning to Live Lighter I realize that we are always learning.  I've been doing a bit of cleaning and stumbled upon my journal from high school/college.  Wow, like totally, for sure times have changed!  One thing that was a constant in re-reading my journal entries was that I lacked belief in myself and even way back in grade nine I wanted to lose weight, it started with 5 then 10, 15 and 20 pounds. I know back then I wanted to lose weight to "fit in" but as much as I wanted to I still never did anything about it.

Even now I know I need to change but something is holding me back and I'm not sure what it is.  Maybe it because I've already worked really hard to lose weight and blew it and gained weight back.  Maybe I'm afraid to try again. To fail again. Maybe instead I need to think about it in a different perspective. Through our failures come our greatest success.  Focus on learning and growing to be the best me I can be. Start believing in me. Making me feel good about myself. Because when you don't feel good about yourself you lack confidence, energy, focus and just general happiness. I need to be happy. I deserve to be happy.

Maybe that journal was good to find, maybe I need to write more, blog more, express myself more. I've always loved writing, it's one of the reasons I started this blog in the first place.  Another reason I started this blog was to hold myself accountable and to actually share my journey to Living Lighter. I think I can do better at that. No I know I can do better! Maybe I can make this blog my personal journal on my journey. 

Why is this $h!T so Hard?

Ughh why is losing weight so hard?  Why can't I just stick to it and just commit?  I know I want to change because I am not happy with my current size and how I feel but every time I try,  I start out strong and then just fizzle out.  I was on an amazing Team Call the other night and it gave me so much inspiration and made me want to dream again and to believe again.  It made me realize the only thing standing in my way is ME!

The call was with Beachbody's newest trainer Chris Downing and he shared his story with us and the meaning behind his new program Shift Shop. He talked alot about purpose and man that guy definitely has a pure purpose and I believe his program is going to change so many people.  The shift is not just a physical one but it is a mental one too. So not only do you get to sweat hard but you get to search within yourself and find your own purpose. 

I have kind of forgotten my purpose and I think maybe it's time for me to share a bigger part of my story with you.  You see I've struggled to understand what my purpose is. I always used to think that everything happened for a reason but I had lost faith in that. I had lost faith in alot of things. Me being one of them.  My purpose, my why hit me a few summers ago while at our Coach Summit in Nashville.  And I mean it hit me so hard like a giant light bulb switch had turned on.  I had a to take a moment because I broke down into tears so happy to finally know I had a reason, a passion.  I'd like to share it with you. This is a note I wrote to myself that day because I needed to put into words what I was feeling that day...

I was sitting in the general session at Summit and was listening to Lindsay Matway, one of the top coaches in the company tell her story and it made me realize my purpose and my why.

So her story resonated with me because she had lost her brother to brain cancer and promised him to take care of her younger brother's. I myself have lost my cousin, over 10 years ago to cancer. We were the same age, she was my first best friend, she was so young and full of life. I often wonder why her and why not me. I've just seemed so lost and like a failure in life. I often wonder why I was put here, for what purpose.

When I found Beachbody I thought this could be my passion! But since I've been so lost in life, I've been unmotivated and not truly happy.  So I've struggled and I haven't been consistent in my business and as a result I haven't went anywhere or made a lot of money. 

But now I know my purpose, my reason why.... I'm here to help other people reach their goals... that's why I'm still alive! I want to save others from drowning in their bodies like I have done and continue to do with myself!

Yeah pretty powerful right?  You'd think I wouldn't forget that but I did lose sight and lost part of my passion for awhile.  Much of the bottom part of that note is still true and it's because I've been standing in my own way and not believing in myself and in my dreams. This is something that Chris said to do on the call,  have a moment of reflection. Write yourself a letter.... ask yourself: What do you really truly want? What is your dreams? and you write that letter. Then you read yourself that letter everyday and you read it when ever you feel down and you read it before you go to sleep. When you read that letter you believe that everything​ you've written is the truth and that your dreams will come true.  Love, Empower and Inspire those are now part of my goals.  Thank you for letting me share my story and journey with you, you are part of my passion and purpose. I hope I can continue to empower you to be your Best You. I know I want to be the best me.

"Nice Rolls!" - the truth about Body Shaming

Well I'm not talking about cinnamon rolls.  Do you now what sticks with a person and makes them start to hate their body? Name callers.  Bullies.  Body shamers.  Now I will say for most of my life (yes even now that I'm an adult) I have been teased, made fun of and had jokes cracked at me.  Yes I'm short. Shorter then most. Now tell me something I don't already know.  And well these things do get under my skin now that I'm wiser I just try to let it roll off.  No what I'm talking about is something much deeper then that.  Something from the days of my youth. I have a memory to share with you and it isn't a happy one.  It's one of those moments in your life that forms a part of you. It's a memory about that time you are an adolescent girl in a public pool, in my probably last two piece bathing suit (I think it was anyways, it was a long time ago).  As you are getting into the pool you hear the group of boys call out "Nice Rolls."  Being naive and not knowing what they meant, I said thanks and swam away as they laughed.  Now that I'm older I know exactly what they meant by rolls. 

My body, my middle, my stomach. That's​ what those boys were talking about. They were making fun of me for being a little chubby. I know it effected me when I was younger because I've found a diary I used to write in and every so often I would write that I'm going to lose 10 pounds. When your in your teen years that is not something you should be worried about. And yes ok my diary was more filled with what was going on in my life and the boys I had crushes on but every so often losing weight would pop up. That one incident had made me aware of my body and what other people thought of it. It made me think I was different and undesirable. That's when it starts. You start to hate your body. It has never gone away.

Do you know what I do to myself even still now when I know I shouldn't. The same damn thing that those kids did to me.  I look in the mirror and only see myself as fat. I can't imagine why anyone would ever want to love me looking the way I do.  I am so hard on myself.  I constantly put myself down. I should be better then that. I know I can be better than that.  Why is it so hard?  Why can't I just love myself?  To all the people who come up to me and tell me how amazing I'm looking and how I'm such a roll model and how proud of me you are and that  you are following my Living Lighter journey. You truly do not understand how that makes me feel.  I am so glad that you see something in me in which I can only partly see and believe in myself.  You make me want to do better and make me believe in myself more everyday.

 

A friend of mine recently posted​ a kick ass blog (click here to check it out)  about how she went on vaca and strutted her fine self in a two piece.  These are the woman I look up to and aspire to be more like. I'm still trying to find my confidence, I know it's kicking around somewhere. One thing I know I need to do more of is personal development.  I'm a serial book collector in which I collect books that would help me but then I let them collect dust.  I have 2 in which I must read because I KNOW they will help put my mindset in a more body positive place.  The first I have mentioned before,  is called Pretty Happy. Healthy ways to love your body by Kate Hudson. And the second is You are a Badass by Jen Sincero.  Maybe I should start a personal development book club to keep myself​ accountable.  What do you think would you join me in reading and growing more confident?

Note the Bookmark... I did try

Say Cheese!

Mmmmm cheese. One of the things I miss most since discovering my body no longer likes dairy.  I never quite realized how many things included dairy before since I was able to eat them.  I give a mad shout out to all those a living with a life long allergy like nuts or gluten.  Man if it was one of those two I think I would actually have died​ by now.  No I probably really wouldn't die but you definitely have to learn to adapt.  I find it hard since it's something new for me.  I find now I just sum it by saying no cheese, no butter and no fun. That's not really all true. It's has been kind of fun discovering new dairy free products to replace those things I can't have.  

So you might be wondering... Now Michelle if you used to be able to eat dairy what happened? How did it change?  Ok I'll tell you the story.  It all started a few years ago when I was helping out and starting to work in a new location. So as I didn't know what stores would be around I packed lunch and made sure to make a batch of Shakeology balls to have as a snack.  Now for a little TMI... I wasn't sure if I was having an IBS flair up (which is a complete other blog topic to cover) or just a nervous stomach/gut from working in a new location; but me and the bathroom got real acquainted and I basically lived on Pepto for the week.  I couldn't figure out what the issue was. So the weekend rolled around and I was finally feeling a bit better.  So as one does I was scrolling thru my Facebook when a post a friend had shared caught my attention.  It seemed that the brand of Almond butter I had been using had been recalled for Salmonella. So I went to the website and checked it out and sure enough the jar I had was in the contaminated bunch.  So guess what I threw out, the jar of Almond butter as well as the batch of Shakeology balls I had been eating all week since it was that almond butter I'd used to make them. 

Now it took me probably another 6 months or more to really figure out that it was in fact dairy I had a problem with.  Let me tell you those months were hard, I lived in fear of going out because I didn't know what would make my stomach and gut upset.  I never thought it was something I was eating! I had already cut out really creamy things like ice capps and cream in my coffee but it dawned on me one day that it seemed like anytime I had any dairy I was having some sort of issue with it.  So I decided to cut it out all together and see what happened. Sure enough I started to feel better without any more symptoms I had been suffering from. I decided to talk to my doctor about it just to see if there was any testing that could be done.  It basically went down like this; if I was finding that dairy causes those issues and I was feeling better by not having dairy then yes you are lactose intolerant lol.  The doctor also told me when a person has a seriously​ bad flu or something like salmonella it can strip your gut causing you to become lactose intolerant. Great.  Anyways so once I cut dairy I did start feeling alot better but it has been hard.  Alot of things I never would have thought of actually do have dairy in them.  A few of the things I miss the most, dill pickle chips, cheesecake, ok actually any dessert, grilled cheese, lasagna oh and chocolate.  CHOCOLATE!  Guys for real it's a struggle some days. Yeah I know it's not exactly the most healthiest of lists so maybe in hindsight it's a good thing I can't tolerate dairy. I gotta say though I still do miss that stuff I can't have. 

Do you want to know something else I haven't had since I've went through this whole process? Almond butter and I really liked it!  I think I'm going to have to get over my fears and buy a jar. Maybe just not the same brand lol.  I will say it has been fun to discover new products that are dairy free and delicious. I was able to switch out my regular chocolate Shakeology for vegan chocolate Shakeology. Another swap I made was with my coffee and although I could definitely buy lactose free milk and add sugar to it, one of my favorite finds has been Silk almond creamer in vanilla, so good!  The day I found lactose free greek yogurt by my fave brand Liberté oh lord was I happy! I probably did a dance in the grocery store lol.  Also the brand So Delicious makes the yummiest cashew milk ice cream.  And thankfully Daiya has Alfredo mac and cheeze as well as frozen pizzas. I haven't had the courage to buy a bag of the shreds myself and I should try the slices so that I might be able to have a grilled cheese again.  Another saving grace has been that little gem I told you about in a previous blog post (click here to check it out).  The Minga offers up all their goods dairy free and now have a margherita pizza that I can get with Daiya and I'm slightly obsessed with it as well as a baker who makes Vegan donuts.  You'd better believe I've had a few of those lol.  Who knows maybe one day I'll even make a dairy free lasagna!  Watch out world I'm exploring your dairy free offerings and there's no stopping me now!

Oh another thing I miss buying a frozen dinner. I totally used them as a quick cheat but just about every single one of them has dairy in it.  So I now just make my own.  Cooking for one I usually have enough for a few meals, so then I portion them out and freeze them for later.  I am finding it really fun to cook. Not so much the dishes but the cooking is fun.  Going out to a restaurant itself can be challenging.  Is there going to be something I can have or am I going to have to take a lactaid and still possibly suffer later?  So yes there is a pill I can take before I eat dairy to help me be able to digest the lactose better. However I don't like to take them as I figure the more you take them the more of an immunity I will build up causing me to have to take more pills to tolerate dairy. I'd rather just avoid dairy if I can all together.  So I talk to the waiter/waitress and ask questions.  I put it out there that I'm lactose intolerant and can't have dairy.  Can I get my veggies with no butter, can you substitute the mashed potatoes for something else.  Do you offer a dairy free dessert?  Most cases they work with me and I have an enjoyable meal.  Of I'm in doubt I will take a lactaid and still eat. So when others say pass the cheese, I say pass the wine!  I might as well enjoy something right! Lol

Learn to LOVE You!

Excuse me for one tiny second well I go on a bit of a Rant.. So one my "favorite" holidays is just around the corner.... NOT!  Lol seriously the day of hearts and lovey dovey couples and just gag me now is starting to fill my Facebook and every store/restaurant you go to.  Don't get me wrong I like a little romance but a specific holiday to celebrate it is a little over the top for me.  If you love me you better be showing me every damn day not just once a year lol.  Ok End Rant onto more serious blogging... So I've decided to make this blog to all my single girls or fellow Valentine's Day haters to help guide you to finding a different kind of love this year.

Do you know how we are going to do that?  By showing ourself some LOVE! And you can get your head out of the gutter that's not what I'm talking about either. This is probably the most important thing I can tell you!  I'm talking about you and the relationship you have with yourself and your body. This is something I am working on myself. I don't love the way my body looks but I love the person I am. I know it is important though that I love my whole self not just part of me.  I am showing my body how I love it by working out and eating healthy.  These are the 2 biggest actions I am taking towards learning to love my body.  I am also trying to be confident but I haven't quite found my old flare just yet she's in here somewhere. 

So well I'm searching for confidence and learning to love my body what should I do? Maybe it's just as easy as looking for support and supporting others who are learning to love themselves too.  I was invited into this amazing Facebook group called L.O.V.E Thyself doing just that. It makes me glad to know that I am not alone and that others are learning to love themselves and have support system to do so.  It takes 2 seconds to make someones day by telling them what a good job they are doing, how beautiful they are, what a difference they are making and just about any other compliment you can think of.  The more you tell someone positive things about them the more they will start to believe it. 

I personally have a hard time accepting compliments because I sometimes only see the negatives in myself. I make up for it as I always see the positive in most situations.  I told you I am working on me too.  I think a key thing that I need to do more of is personal development. There is nothing wrong with learning to grow and to be the best version of you. I have 2 excellent books to start off and help with the process.  The first was a recommendation from that great Facebook group I was telling you about its called Pretty Happy by Kate Hudson, I was drawn to it because on the book cover it describes what I am seeking... the heathy way to love your body.  The second book I confess has been sitting on my bed side for awhile and I just need to read it!  It is You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero. I am going to end this post by telling you one more big piece of wisdom right here... BE a fucking Badass!  To hell with what other's may think, make your own rules, live your life your way and don't let anyone dull your sparkle.

I don't need any more Workout clothes.... Oh look a cute top!

So confession... I went to go get dressed for my workout the other day and as I pried open my over full exercise top drawer and yes I have a separate drawer just for tops and for my bottoms.  Anyways I opened the drawer and sitting on top was this cute top I'd forgotten I'd bought and thought oh I'm gonna wear that today!  I pulled it out and yup the tag was definitely still on it.  Anyone else have this problem or am I alone?

Said Cute Top from Walmart!

Truth be told I do love to hit up the workout section in stores just to see what's there.  Considering I can hardly get the top drawer shut I'm thinking I either have to many or should go through it and get rid of ones I don't wear.  I'm kinda of liking this second option because you know if I get rid of some I can get more right?  Lol oh the problem is real.  I realize the one thing I really should replace or have more of is probably the thing I wear the most while working out... The sports bra.  I'm super picky a about those though I have rebought the exact same Under Armor one a few times now. And I fear they probably don't even make it anymore. So do you wonder where I do my shopping at?

No worries I'll give you all the details!  So I personally like a good deal so I like to hit up a great variety of vaule priced stores.  One of my recent favorites is you guessed it Walmart!  Seriously they are coming out with some really cute things.  The top that still had the tag on it, totally from there.  Some of the other places I like to go Old Navy they usually have cute tops and bottoms and Joe Fresh I love there capris they are so comfy. So if I'm feeling like maybe spoiling m a little bit I check out Reitman's Hyba sports wear I found a really nice lightweight hoodie and a great quote shirt too.  And then of course when I hit up Coach Summit I make sure to go shopping at the Beachbody mall some cute branded apparel.

Beachbody top, Giant Tiger leggings and Under Armour headband

But then comes the accessories... Oh my goodness my handband collection might just be my worst bad habit going.  It started off with Under Armour and then I took my first step into Lululemon.  Big mistake... So many colors and patterns and then you get to keep the shopping bag! For socks and shoes I always hit up Sport Chek.  For socks my absolute go to's are by a brand called Diadora. So many fun colors and they don't slide down in your shoes.  And speaking of shoes the only brand I wear are Asics.  I usually have 2 pairs on the go one that I wear out and about and one pair that I keep just for working out inside. One tip for buying shoes at Sport Chek if you don't need to have them right away shop around at different locations they might have different models and sales.  Also did you know they have a Clearance section where you can usually find a great pair of shoes for like half the price?  Your welcome :)

Phew I feel like I just did a marathon shopping trip for you all!  I hope my fitness apparel addiction and need to be thrifty has given you some new ideas of where to shop and please if you have any recommendations let me know!  Happy Shopping!