Well I'm not talking about cinnamon rolls. Do you now what sticks with a person and makes them start to hate their body? Name callers. Bullies. Body shamers. Now I will say for most of my life (yes even now that I'm an adult) I have been teased, made fun of and had jokes cracked at me. Yes I'm short. Shorter then most. Now tell me something I don't already know. And well these things do get under my skin now that I'm wiser I just try to let it roll off. No what I'm talking about is something much deeper then that. Something from the days of my youth. I have a memory to share with you and it isn't a happy one. It's one of those moments in your life that forms a part of you. It's a memory about that time you are an adolescent girl in a public pool, in my probably last two piece bathing suit (I think it was anyways, it was a long time ago). As you are getting into the pool you hear the group of boys call out "Nice Rolls." Being naive and not knowing what they meant, I said thanks and swam away as they laughed. Now that I'm older I know exactly what they meant by rolls.
My body, my middle, my stomach. That's what those boys were talking about. They were making fun of me for being a little chubby. I know it effected me when I was younger because I've found a diary I used to write in and every so often I would write that I'm going to lose 10 pounds. When your in your teen years that is not something you should be worried about. And yes ok my diary was more filled with what was going on in my life and the boys I had crushes on but every so often losing weight would pop up. That one incident had made me aware of my body and what other people thought of it. It made me think I was different and undesirable. That's when it starts. You start to hate your body. It has never gone away.
Do you know what I do to myself even still now when I know I shouldn't. The same damn thing that those kids did to me. I look in the mirror and only see myself as fat. I can't imagine why anyone would ever want to love me looking the way I do. I am so hard on myself. I constantly put myself down. I should be better then that. I know I can be better than that. Why is it so hard? Why can't I just love myself? To all the people who come up to me and tell me how amazing I'm looking and how I'm such a roll model and how proud of me you are and that you are following my Living Lighter journey. You truly do not understand how that makes me feel. I am so glad that you see something in me in which I can only partly see and believe in myself. You make me want to do better and make me believe in myself more everyday.
A friend of mine recently posted a kick ass blog (click here to check it out) about how she went on vaca and strutted her fine self in a two piece. These are the woman I look up to and aspire to be more like. I'm still trying to find my confidence, I know it's kicking around somewhere. One thing I know I need to do more of is personal development. I'm a serial book collector in which I collect books that would help me but then I let them collect dust. I have 2 in which I must read because I KNOW they will help put my mindset in a more body positive place. The first I have mentioned before, is called Pretty Happy. Healthy ways to love your body by Kate Hudson. And the second is You are a Badass by Jen Sincero. Maybe I should start a personal development book club to keep myself accountable. What do you think would you join me in reading and growing more confident?
 |
| Note the Bookmark... I did try |
No comments:
Post a Comment